A New Way to See Myself.

I just finished reading Redeeming Love for the millionth time. Something about that book just gets me every single time. Normally, reading is an absolutely certain way of getting me to fall asleep- but this book actually keeps me up at night because I can't wait to read more. It just gets down in my soul, and I feel like I get something brand new out of it every single time.

The truth is, I've been a prostitute. Not literally, but I've sold myself to the stuff of this world and let God have what's left.. if there happens to be anything there left to give at all. I've had other gods, given into relationships that have kept me from Him, put my worth in things i owned or what people think about me. I've put walls all around my heart to keep Him as far away from it as possible because I just can't let myself feel anything anymore. It's too hard, too emotional, personal, too scary. I've chosen to be empty, hard and numb so I wouldn't be vulnerable, emotional or filled with grace I felt I didn't deserve.

So now I'm hoping someone else is going there with me, and I'm not just airing my dirty laundry for everyone.

To go along with Beth's theme of bringing on new things and fresh starts with this new season, I just want to share a little bit of something that has been happening, and the newness that God has been working in my heart in this new season. I almost feel like He's started it now.. with Spring being so close we are getting glimpses and tasting it- it's serving as somewhat of a reminder that just like the seasons- He makes things new.

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of Hope." Hosea 2:14-15

For a few months now I feel like I've been in a desert. I've been going through some heavy spiritual attack. I've been going through the Freeway study with friends and realized I have junk in my past I'm not letting go of or getting free from. It's ugly and it scares me. I also feel like something big is on the horizon for where He is taking me. So, for months, I've felt like a fake, not good enough, inadequate for what's ahead that He's even placed in my path. In this new season, He's been slowly restoring me and speaking life back into me. He's used friends, opportunities, and time spent with Him in silence to teach me to see myself as He does. He's showing me that I am good enough, and it's not always prideful to believe in myself. He's romancing me and showing me that my past is not my present, and it surely isn't my future. When my thoughts turn negative about myself or my abilities aren't up to perfection, He whispers that they are, and to simply stop breathing negativity into myself. And to stop believing lies. I've been trying to identify it and stop it as much as I can, and He's showing me how to blossom into who He sees me as. I'm starting to see myself as His beloved. It seriously makes me giddy. And that, my friends, is something He desires for each one of us. 

"The Lord says, "Then I will heal you of your faithlessness; my love will know no bounds, for my anger will be gone forever. I will be to Israel (that's us!) like a refreshing dew from heaven. Israel will blossom like the lily; it will send roots deep into the soil like the cedars in Lebanon. Its branches will spread out like beautiful olive trees... My people will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines... Oh Israel, stay away from idols! I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me." Hosea 4-8

His love for us is fierce and beautiful isn't it, beloved?